One of the most common question’s people ask me is how do you make sure it is a genuine connection not just a root and boot when you first meet someone?
The following 6 tips have been written to help you to understand your standards and guide the dating journey to a place that is based on finding a genuine connection and avoid the feeling of being used or lead on and in turn aiding you to find what you want, not what you are settling for.
I believe that due to the fact that there are so many beautiful people out there, who offer many different qualities, it can be confusing when it comes finding someone to connect with on many levels, not just the physical. Then it is scary to trust if they are being honest, not just leading you on, dam right it can be hard! It is one thing to find a connection with someone, it is another to uncover if it is going to be just lust or love!
The questions we ask ourselves sound a little bit like this. Are they telling the truth or just what I want to hear? Do they want a relationship or a root and boot? Will I hear from them after I sleep with them? Are they leading me on? Are they seeing someone else? How do you know? “Everyone I’ve dated only wanted one thing, surely this is the same old crap”.
Dating, regardless of how you found each other is a bit frustrating, “so sick of time wasters”. I have found that online dating is not the best forum for finding more than a physical connection unless you have patience and a lot of time. So many people, so little time, it becomes so overwhelming that we often give up and not even try, or go with who we feel is the most attractive and potentially miss the best connection.
I prefer the traditional forms of dating – introduction through friends, meet somewhere local to you for example; the shops or at your your place of interest/hobby, parties and things like that. The pub and bar are not as successful as it tends to end in a one nighter, (not that there is anything wrong with that) that is up to you and the choice you make at the time. You are also in control of where you want it to go and are allowed to say no if you don’t want to sleep with them.
Here are the 6 tips as promised – implement them and see the difference in the people you meet and the dates you are going on. Even if it means you are going on less “dates” I always prefer quality over quantity.
6 tips to make sure it is a genuine connection not just a root and boot…
1. Look deeper than just the physical
When you are out take a look around the room, don’t just go straight for the person you think is the hottest and then spend all night with that person. Speak to a few people and listen to the way they interact with you. I am not saying be a flirt or a player, I am suggesting to be sociable, you will soon find a connection with someone and feel a “vibe” that goes deeper than a QF.
The funny thing is it’s generally not the initial person you were first attracted to that will be the person you connect with the most on a deeper level than the initial physical attraction. Sometimes it is, but mostly we aren’t open to meeting anyone other than the hottest person in the room and compatibility wise it isn’t always right with that person and we make the wrong choice based on the sexual side. Stay open minded and allow people to speak to you first rather than allowing your genitals to make the choice.
If you are using dating apps, read their profile and see if what they are saying connects with you and test yourself, go on a date with someone for more than the images, you may surprise yourself, I have many times.
2. Listen more, speak less
Listen for the language they are using, if they are talking about their ex often, about partying and drinking, they don’t have many career goals or future plans for their lives; you will see that they really aren’t thinking much about a relationship or their future. They are stuck in the past and aren’t ready to move forward – they will be eventually, but not right now. You can’t change that, only they can.
Don’t hang around waiting for that time to happen as eventually you will start to push and then you become the annoying person, even though you are trying to be supportive, it is a very unattractive quality and can be seen as “trying to change them” – you never want to be THAT person. Be assertive, listen for cue’s and obvious signs to show you if they want more or just a root and boot. You can choose what you want but this will allow you to not be let down as you will notice the language and their signs.
Some are really good at fooling you with their “facade” but you will get good at trusting, seeing past the “bulls**t” and following your instinct. This will allow you to progress with them in a way you want, on your terms with no expectations only an understanding of what you want. Enjoy the journey and the ride but be smart. Blaming them for leading you on won’t be a thing anymore as you are empowered to make your own choices and have no expectations, only standards.
3. Learn about them through questions
It is easy to talk about ourselves to impress. It is better to listen more, honestly answer the questions you are asked and ask questions to learn about them. If they are not asking any questions this shows they aren’t really interested, or if they continue to big note, talk about themselves with no break or interest in you, it shows ego or nerves let it pan out and you will see the difference but then ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with for a long time.
If there is a healthy balance of the two you may be onto a winner here. Stay open and engaged. You will learn so much about a person by using your ears which is very different as we are so accustomed to using our eyes and mouth and I am not just referring to talking haha.
4. Open your mind and your heart, not just your pants
If a guy tells you he only wants something casual, he really only wants something casual. Simple. This is where you get to decide if you want that or something more. I recommend that if you want something more rewarding and fulfilling then casual sex, don’t go down that path, as much as it can sound like fun, it may lead to you expecting it to turn into something more, to which it rarely does or worse you are sending a message that you are happy with casual sex and it will distract you from finding something meaningful and waste time with someone that has different goals.
Gentlemen looking for love need to hold off on having sex quickly, this can send the wrong message also. She may assume you just wanted casual sex and then not bother or expect a relationship from you due to the new connection as we women are emotive human beings, be careful with how you speak to ladies and treat them. There are consequences to our actions.
If you have sex with them, do it for fun and pleasure, safely. Do not do it to ensure a relationship or expect that a relationship will happen if you have sex, you will leave feeling hurt. If you keep your mind focused on what you truly want you will attract that. No unwanted or non-beneficial distractions.
5. Feel the vibe
You will simply feel a vibe and a connection. If the sparks are flying, you feel like you are 16 again and you are treating each other with respect, not just a undressing each other with your eyes, you will see that they want more than just something casual – you will know based on the full encounter and how it ends.
The vibe or spark as we also refer to it, should be that intense you want to become physical with them, this is normal but exercise will power. If you want to see them again I would wait a few dates until you get in the sack with them.
I suggest because of 2 reasons.
1. You will see if there is more than a lust connection with them and this will enable deeper feelings to develop, not just the physical and
2. Waiting is sexy, it creates more tension and when you come around to doing the horizontal doonah dance it will be so much more exciting as the tension has been building.
6. How the encounter pans out and ends
If the person you meet has stepped away from their friends, is asking you questions about yourself, is engaged, doesn’t talk about sex straight away and asks for your number, this is a clear indication they are interested in getting to know you on many levels, not just for sex. Ladies, offer him signs of interest but allow him to make the first move, if he asks to go home with you then clearly he is after one thing, ladies it is ok to say yes or no bearing in mind what you truly want long term. If you sleep with them, don’t walk away feeling unhappy if you don’t hear from them, be happy in your decision with no expectations as you also get to make the decision to sleep with them.
If they don’t ask for your number then he is either very shy or not interested and I personally would prefer him to ask me than date someone that is too shy to ask. Yes it is 2016 and things have changed, but I think when it comes to dating it is still very traditional in that sense. This leads me to say – gentlemen please ask for her number if you are interested, the worst that can happen she says no, but if you have spent half your night with her, chances are she would like to hear from you again.
Take each encounter for what it is, don’t think too much about what is happening other than to allow yourself to see if you are compatible or not.
Getting a text message the next day after a fabulous date is far more exciting then sleeping with them and wondering if you will hear from them if you slept with them for the wrong reasons. Choose carefully and for your own reasons, not because you think it will sway them in a particular direction.
Dating is fun, finding your life partner is something you want to get right – don’t rush, enjoy the journey.